Companion Protocols: Fifty Things That Jack Is Not Allowed To Do
by FaerieQueen3
Summary: The title says it all, a list of fifty things that Jack is not allowed to do, and accounts of just a of a few of the times he did them anyway. Whether it's because of a bad day, or just want to read some Harkness humor, this story's got the goods. (Rated "T" just in case, but it's pretty safe I promise.)
1. Chapter 1

_Hello-hello-hello! I-AM-JANUS here, how's it going? How long has it been since I've written a story-over a year yea? Well, anyhow, I'm back now, and you can expect a mad writing frenzy in the form of dozens of one-shots and maybe a couple of chapter stories in there ;-). _

_This idea was actually given to me by my sister when she and I were watching "Parting of Ways" and the Doctor was scolding Jack for "flirting" with Lynda with a "y". (By the way, never try to watch four seasons of anything in four days, your mind will explode). I'm pretty much positive that there were way more than just fifty things that Jack wasn't allowed to do, but frankly, I don't think my computer has that much memory. I'll be doing this in five part segments, so ten chapters total. _

_And now, without further ado, I present, "50 Things Jack is NOT Allowed To Do and the Times He Did Them Anyway"!_

* * *

_1) Jack is not allowed to be naked in the console room. Ever._

_xxx_

"Jack, have you seen my-Rassilon!"

The Doctor's inquiry was cut short when he saw into the aforementioned captain on the jump-seat, lounging in his birthday suit. The Doctor felt suddenly ill; that was _his_ chair that Jack was sitting on. Naked. Who knows how many times he'd done that before, or-worse-what he'd done there before. The Doctor gave an involuntary shudder.

"What's up, Doc?" Jack, on the other hand, seemed perfectly comfortable with the situation.

His voice snapped the Doctor back to reality and finished asking his earlier question of the whereabouts of his sonic screwdriver. Jack said it was in his room.

The Doctor really didn't want to know.

* * *

_2) Jack is not allowed to flirt with Rose. _

xxx

The Doctor was not pleased. You could describe his mood in many colorful ways in a startling variety of languages, but the least violent, most child-friendly way to put it, was that the Doctor-in all his Oncoming Storm glory-was not pleased.

He was often in a bad, or-as Jack, Rose, and even the TARDIS on occasion-would put it "sulky", but this wasn't because they had urn out of bananas, horrible as that prospect was, or because the had landed 20,000 years off-course (funny story, that). No, this was because a certain black-haired captain had been flirting with a certain blonde companion non-stop for the entire day. Never mind that they had only been awake for two hours, as of the moment, it felt like a century. And the Doctor knew what a century felt like.

He grumbled several choice words to himself from under the TARDIS grating and pulled himself up slightly to see Jack whispering something in Rose's ear. Whatever it was, it provoked a blush and a laugh out of the girl.

Oh, no. The Doctor was not pleased _at all._

* * *

_3) Jack is not allowed to flirt with important historical figures. Or, really, any historical figures._

_xxx  
_  
"This-" Rose cut herself off to dodge an arrow. "This is entirely your fault-" now a spear, "Jack."

Jack attempted a look of mock-offense, but that's very hard to do while running away from a tribe of Natchiz Indians. Very angry Indians. "Well," he countered her, "How was I supposed to know that she was the Chieftain's daughter?"

"She was wearing the tribal insignia, Jack!" The Doctor shouted._ '51st century be damned,'_ he thought. _'Does the man have any self-control?'_

Jack and self-control? Not a likely combination.

* * *

_4) Jack is not allowed to flirt with the Doctor._

_xxx_

"So, Doc-"

"No."

"You don't even know what I'm-"

"Yes I do, you've asked enough times to drive me mad, and it is still a 'no'."

"...Please?"

"My final answer is no, Captain."

Jack huffed and put his feet up on the console. At any other time, the Doctor would have protested, but right now he was trying to resist the urge to jettison Captain Jack Harkness. And failing. Jack had asked yet again-for what must have been the millionth time-to go to the commercial colonies of the Centurion star system. Luxury resorts, club planets. But really, all of time and space and he wants to go to Centurion 6? Why would he possibly?-

"Come on Doc, I'll buy you a drink, and you may even get lucky." He finished off with his patented "Captain Jack Grin" and a saucy wink in the Doctor's direction.

Oh. That's why.

* * *

_5) Jack is not allowed to flirt with the TARDIS. It's disturbing for all parties involved._

_xxx_

Rose walked towards the console room with a hot mug of tea in her hands after three hours of trying and failing to fall asleep. As she drew nearer, she heard the distinctive voice of Jack Harkness speaking in low, smooth tones, to whom she could only assume to be the Doctor, with the occasional flirty line thrown in for good measure. Rose smiled, already imagining the Doctor's mocking retort and nearly-hidden smile at Jack's impossible antics. However, once she reached the corner to the console room, she noticed that Jack was the only one there. She furrowed her brow and thought of the possibilities:

_'Jack is in console room...'_

_'The Doctor not in console room...'_

_'I am not in console room...'_

Well, then who was he flirting with, himself? Even Jack wasn't _that _egotistical. Why, he'd be more likely to flirt with-

Oh. Well then. Rose turned around and scurried back to her room as quick as she could without burning herself with her tea. The Doctor was going to have a fit about this one.

* * *

_So, that was my humble first chapter :-). Follow, review, favorite, review, hope you enjoyed it...Please review. Please? If you have any ideas on other things that Jack shouldn't be allowed to do, just let me know via-PM or review and I'll try to put it in there :-)._

_XOXOXO_

_I-AM-JANUS_


	2. Chapter 2

_Howdy folks! As you can see, I have taken the liberty of changing my pen-name from "I-AM-JANUS" to "FaerieQueen3". So hopefully that won't cause any confusion :-). Thanks for your great review and all the people who followed/favorite-ed. HUGE apologies to all my readers for the slow update on...Well, everything really, and a shout-out to the author "Maharani Radha" for number 9 suggestion and inspiration for number 10 :-). Luckily for you all, my Muse hasn't decided to take another year-long sabbatical, and I will be bringing you a few one-shots today as well as this chapter ^.^_

_Big shout-out to my sister, "Punish-The-Guilty"! She's the one who's wrestling my muse into submission. You can find her stories on the Punisher archive or the Person of Interest archive-where she has started a very successful wing!fic AU :-)._

Shout-out to Maharani Radha for inspi

_XOXO  
_

_FaerieQueen3_

* * *

_6) Jack is never, ever, ever allowed to walk in on the Doctor in the shower.  
_

_xxx  
_  
"Hey Doc, could I trouble you for some directions?"

The Doctor swung around to see a one Jack Harkness leaning against his shower-having drawn back the curtain-and the sudden movement left the Time Lord sprawled on the floor of his shower. He groaned in pain and rubbed the back of his head before turning his attention towards Captain Jack, who looked altogether too calm and unashamed for someone who had just walked in on his friend naked...Then again, this wouldn't be the first time. Wait.

_Naked._

The Doctor scrambled to his feet and pulled his shower-curtain around himself as best he could. And Jack smiled-no, not smiled, _leered _at him. The Doctor felt a twang of indignation; here he was, trying to salvage his dignity, and Jack was...How did Rose put it? Ah, yes, "making eyes" at him. Ugh.

He gritted his teeth and asked him, "What are you doing in my bathroom." Well, demanded more like.

Jack just smiled broader, "I told you, I need some directions."

The Doctor sighed, 'H_umans..._' "Where to exactly?"

"...Doctor, why does your shower curtain have dancing bananas on it?"

"Where. Do. You. Need. Directions. To."

Even Jack knew when the Oncoming Storm was not to be toyed with and answered him, "The kitchen."

The Doctor paused for a moment, before saying in slow, even tones, "You know how to get to the kitchen." Had he honestly just make that up to...Captain Jack and the airlock were going to become very good friends. Very soon. _Very _soon.

Jack took on a look of mock-surprise, "Do I? Silly me, so sorry to bother you." The Doctor narrowed his eyes. If looks could kill, Jack would be six feet under. Or dust. Or a cockroach, because it seemed like those things never died, and that was exactly what Jack deserved at the moment.

Jack ran out of the bathroom with several Gallifreyan curses-and at least two razors-following after him.

* * *

_7) Jack is not allowed to walk in on Jackie in the shower, we don't care that you thought it was Rose._

_xxx  
_  
The Doctor grumbled to himself as he walked through the door of Jackie Tyler's flat, entirely displeased with being there. If it were up to him, Rose would have thrown her dirty laundry in the swamps of Jemaxon Aplpha rather than visit her mother, but she had insisted upon seeing her. "If I bring her laundry," she had said, "She'll feel needed. Besides, you know how worried she gets!" Oh yes, he very much did; he had endured many a scolding-and near slap-at the hands of the Tyler Menace's maternal fretting. And What was that business about Rose's dirty clothes making her feel _needed?_ Most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard, that-and he'd heard some pretty ridiculous things. There was that one time on-

The Doctor was pulled from his memories as the very heavy body of Jack "The Flash" Harkness collided with his, sending them both sprawled on the floor. The Doctor groaned, not so much out of pain-as Jack's was-but out of exasperation. '_What the hell has the intergalactic playboy done now?'_

"AND STAY OUT!"

Oh, _no_. "Jack bloody Harkness, did you just try to seduce my Mum?!" Rose's voice boomed in the Doctor's ear, as she leveled a glare at the captain. Jack was, as usual, entirely at ease with the situation.

He shrugged, "Would it make any difference if I said that I thought it was you?" The way he said it certainly implied that he thought it did.

Jackie's right-hook didn't agree.

* * *

_8) Jack is not allowed to flirt with the Doctor's past regenerations. It's awkward._

_xxx  
_  
After ten weeks of Jack's prodding-and two of those with Jack employing Rose to help him-the Doctor took them to Centurion 6. The music-if you could call it music-was so loud that the walls vibrated, the clothing was scarce, the dancing was scandalous, and the air was laced with an aphrodisiac. The Doctor thought it was horrible, Rose thought it was risque, Jack was in heaven.

The Doctor watched, grinding his teeth as a multitude of pretty boys came and took their turns dancing with his Rose. No, Rose, not "his" Rose. Bad. He supposed that he could dance with her himself rather than sitting at the dingy bar nursing another hyper-vodka, but he had someone else who needed rescuing from themselves. So far, Jack had nearly groped the Lord Governor's daughter, actually groped the Lord Governor, and told one blue humanoid from Stransik that she was beautiful. In her native language, that translated to "disgusting". And they had only been here for less than a half hour.

The Doctor sighed, swallowed his drink, and ordered another. Time Lords couldn't get drunk, as a rule, but he was more than willing to try if that meant he'd have an excuse to let Jack get arrested at least once. Might teach the bloke a lesson. Maybe...Big maybe.

He looked up as the barman-barsquid?-put another shot in front of him. He thanked him, and was about have his drink when he suddenly remembered something. _'Haven't I been here before? What was it, seventh body, eighth? Some sort of shoddy present from Lord Governor for helping to eradicate a criminal syndicate. Why remember now though, that would mean...'_ Heaven, this didn't happen half so much in his body before they met Jack. Damn him and his luck.

He spun 'round to see just what he had suspected: Jack was flirting quite mercilessly with his eighth self, who looked more than a little uncomfortable with the situation. He watched for a moment as his past self tried to respond politely and collectedly to Jack's advances, but was looking everywhere for a way to escape without the Lord Governor-or Jack-noticing. He couldn't find one.

After a moment of amusement, however, he remembered that he did have a duty to self-preservation to see to it that he wasn't scarred for the rest of his lives by Jack doing something fresh. Like snogging thought was more than enough incentive to get him to stalk over to where the two were sitting and make some sort of introduction, "Jack, this is me, a past me, you know about regeneration yes? Very well then, move along!"

He escorted his past self to the door, who, once they had arrived asked him, "I take it that's your...companion? Never thought that much would change with regeneration..."

The Doctor scowled at him, "We," he gestured between the two of them, "are not gay."

_'I wonder,' _the Doctor thought, _'If killing him would be genocide, homicide, or suicide...'_

* * *

_9) Jack is not allowed to get drunk_

_ and_

_10) Jack is not allowed to get Rose drunk_

_xxx_

"EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS!"

Jack had been prodding the Doctor for ages to bring their trio to another planet in the Centurion system, "For kicks," he'd said. "I know one in particular-got the best hypervoka in the system." Finally,the Doctor foolishly relented, and now he was certainly paying the price. Rose, Jack, and countless other clubbers of infinite species were dancing on tables in a wobbly version of the Cha-Cha Slide. Or at least, that's what he thought it was. Hard to tell when someone is falling over every three seconds-

No sooner had the Doctor thought this, an inebriated Rose collapsed off of the table and into his arms, catching him off guard and sending them both sprawled on the ground. On his way to the ground, he had hit the bloke behind him who-alcohol having stripped him of any sense of balance-tumbled into the man behind _him. _He had come to the club in a bad mood, and liquid courage had only exacerbated it, so he he the man who had fallen onto him. That man had come with friends, so naturally they joined in to defend their companion. Problem? So had the other guy. Within minutes, the small squabble had escalated into a club-wide fight while the bouncers tried desperately-and uselessly- to the situation under control.

The Doctor was_,_ _of course,_ named the instigator, and would have spent the night in prison, had he not sonic-ed the lock open.

"Well," Jack said when the three of them finally reached the TARDIS, "That was fun!"

It took everything the Doctor had not to hit him just then.


	3. Chapter 3

_Howdy :-)! And now we come to chapter three with rules 11-15. Shout-out to "Greekgirrl", "Maharani Radha", and "Wyona Fandam" who gave the ideas for this chapter :-)! You're all amazingly and evilly creative.  
_

_XOXO  
_

_FaerieQueen3_

* * *

_11) Jack is not allowed to read Rose's diary, blood will be shed. _

_xxx  
_

Rose had to bite her tongue not to scream in frustration. She had turned her room upside-down and inside-out looking for her diary, and still she'd come up with nothing. . Zero. Not so much as a jewel from it's bedazzled cover (and considering just _how _many jewels there were on her child-hood diary, that was definitely saying something). She had dumped out and sorted through the contents of every drawer, every box, and still her efforts were fruitless. She huffed and ran her hand through her hair, _'Where could it possibly be? It's not like there's that many people on board, and the Doctor would never-' _and suddenly, everything clicked.

The Doctor would never touch her diary - despite popular belief, he valued his life more than that. Jack, on the other hand, didn't seem to value his life _at all._

_"JACK!-"  
_

"No need to shout darling, I can hear you from here." Rose whipped around to see a certain captain leaning casually against her doorway, diary in hand - and looking entirely too smug if she did say so herself.

She took a deep, soothing breath, even as she felt the rage build up, _'Jack is a friend, Jack is a trustworthy...Almost trustworthy person, and surely he has more sense than to-'_

"Really Rose, this is scandalous!"

_'Taunt her.'_

I mean, I knew you had a thing for the Doc, but..." he trailed off with a sultry look and a purr. The man had the gall to _purr_ at her. _'Jack is NOT a friend, and NOT trustworthy, and...You know, I haven't slapped someone in a while.'_

As Jack sat in the infirmary later nursing a swollen, bruising jaw, the Doctor felt like laughing at him.

So he did.

* * *

_12) Jack is not allowed to cook.  
_

_xxx  
_

Rose was awoken by the smell of smoke. If she were at her mother's flat, she would've rolled her eyes and turned over while her mother put out her latest cooking disaster, but this wasn't her mother's flat, this was the TARDIS, and with the Doctor? Smoke = Bad, though what level of bad depended on who was causing the smoke, it was _always _bad.

Rose threw on her robe and followed her nose to the source of the smoke - which she determined must be the kitchen - not caring to be very quick, seeing as though it was probably one of the Doctor's ludicrous experiments. _'In fact,' _she decided, _'It definitely_ is. _He's undoubtedly cooking up some sort of sentient pudding right now._' The more she thought about it, the more sure she was, and she rolled her eyes at the myriad of things the Doctor could be doing. She would've turned back, but curiosity got the best of her and she continued on into the kitchen to see-

_'Good God!'_

The "kitchen" was filled with black smoke and sound of clanging, as though someone was trying to find something. Desperately."Doctor!" she called. Even as she said it, she knew that the Doctor was not responsible for this mess...

"Rose?! _HELP ME!_"

_'Oh Jack...'_

Just then, the Doctor appeared beside her with a fire-extinguisher and aimed the device in the general direction of the stove and oven before spraying the white foam over the said appliances - and many others. When the extinguisher was empty, the Doctor flung open the door to air out the smoke into the vortex and shutting it immediately once it had cleared. Both he and Rose turned 'round to see an ash marked, foam-covered Jack surrounded by what Rose could only guess to be pancakes, toast, and bacon, but it was rather impossible to tell what the black charred things were supposed to have been. Jack took a look at his handiwork before turning to smile at them.

"Hey, it's the thought that counts right?"

The Doctor did _not _agree, and Jack was henceforth banned from the stove. And the oven. And the toaster. And the microwave. And any source of heat in general.

* * *

_13) Jack is not allowed to eat all of the bananas. _

_xxx  
_

"Jack bloody Harkness! Get your arse over here!"

"Oh, not just Jack Harkness, but Jack _bloody _Harkness! Haven't been called that in a while, kinda' missed it. To what do I owe the privilege of this title?" The Doctor whipped around to see his infamous companion leaning casually against the island counter, with his arms crossed and Harkness smirk firmly in place. At the moment, he was sorely tempted to wipe that look right off his face.

If the Doctor was a dragon, there would be smoke coming from his nostrils. Even now, his glare could send grown men , sane grown men. Captain Jack is many things - playboy, trickster, genius - but not, by any means "sane", so he stayed where he was.

The Doctor flared his nostrils and repeated a calming mantra in his head, _'...don't hit him, don't hit him, don't kill him, don't hit him...Rose would never forgive you for jettisoning him because of _this..._DON'T HIT HIM!'..._Well, it was calming to him anyway, and I'm sure Jack would've have appreciated the effort if he knew how hard the Doctor was trying _not _to hurt him. Once he was - almost - reasonably calm, he asked Jack, "Now, answer truthfully, where are the bananas?"

Jack smiled.

_'Oh no he-'_

"Well, a guy's gotta' eat something, doesn't he?

_'He _did..._'_

"And you couldn't have eaten _anything _else?"

"Hey, I was banned from cooking, remember? And I haven't eaten _all _of them." There was a brief spark of hope as Jack pulled a banana out of his jacket. Then he bit it. "_Now _I have." Hope's gone, now it's rage.

"Well," the Doctor said, in a deathly calm voice, "Guess who's getting more."

Later, as Jack wandered through the dense jungle planet of Pyroth Matrim, with wasps the size of dogs and cheetahs the size of men, he almost regretted hiding all the bananas from the Doctor.

Almost. He was still going to eat them later.

* * *

_14) Jack is not allowed to tell primitive civilizations that the Doctor is a god. The will believe him._

_xxx  
_  
The Doctor was working under the console, when he was suddenly startled by the sound of someone - or, just as likely, something - banging on the door of the TARDIS and a deafeningly loud chorus of shouts. Jack had left the TARDIS with Rose a while ago to explore the nearly uninhabited planet themselves while the Doctor worked on some repairs. Oh course they _would _run into one of the three tribes on the whole planet. His suspicions were confirmed when he heard what was a distinctly Harkness shout from outside warning about pulling his hair. He groaned to himself, _'I swear, if Jack's gone and gotten himself nearly sacrificed again, 'I'll save him so I can kill him myself.' _Of course, Rose had gotten herself tied to a stake a few times herself, but that was different. Rose was - comparatively speaking - a child, Jack just acted like one.

The Doctor braced himself, and opened the door to face the natives, and hopefully talk them out of killing his companions. Or at least one them. They could have the other one. What he saw though, what not what he had expected. Instead of an angry mob with spears, he found them dancing around the TARDIS and several others bowing down to it and chanting. After a moment of confusion, he turned to the very innocent-looking Jack Harkness and glared. _Hard._

"Jack," he said with warning in his voice, "What did you say to them." Not a question, a demand.

"Well, I may or may not have told them that you were a Time Lord and that Rosie and I were your partners in crime. Not my fault if I got the words mixed to 'Lord of Time' and 'concubines'."

It took the whole day to convince the Sarsupelans that the Doctor was not a god, and that Rose and Jack were not his immortal lovers. It took even longer to convince them not to murder Jack for his "blasphemy".

* * *

_15)_ _Jack is not allowed to replace the apple juice, iced-tea, or literally anything else, with pear juice._

_xxx  
_

The Doctor rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand and cracked his back. Time Lord physiology be damned, not even he could spend twelve hours under the grating and _not _be exhausted. The TARDIS had blown a serious circuit during their latest crash landing, and nothing could be done until it was fixed, and now that it had been, some rest was definitely in order. And tea, and food - because despite what he would have Rose and Jack believe, he really did need to eat more often than he let on.

He walked into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and pulled out the necessary ingredients for a ham sandwich and looked through the cupboard for some Earl Grey...To find none. _'Hmm, I'll have to remember that next time Rose visits her mum..' _he closed the cupboard and went to the fridge to salvage some other beverage. He picked up a jug of apple-juice - Rose's choice - and poured himself a glass. After he made his sandwich, he sat down on on of the three chairs around the island and took a gulp of his apple-juice.

Only, it wasn't apple-juice.

It was _pear juice._

The Doctor's eyes shot open and he ran to the sink and spat it out of his mouth, followed by the whole glass. _'That Harkness,'_ he thought, but shook it off. He normally wouldn't have drunk apple-juice anyway, it was probably some prank war going on between Jack and Rose and he had - again, unfortunately - been caught in the cross-fire. He sighed and rubbed a hand across his face and selecting the carton of orange-juice.

Wrong. Pears.

Iced tea? Pears.

Lemonade? Pears.

Pears?...Why had he even bought that? Oh, right, he hadn't, it was supposed to have been ginger-ale.

"HARKNESS!"

* * *

_Hope you enjoyed this chapter :-)! Again, big shout-out to everyone who reviewed, favorited, followed, and PM'd, and especially those who gave ideas for this chapter, you guys are the best!_

_xoxo  
_

_FairieQueen3  
_


	4. Chapter 4

_Hello-hello-hello! Yet another chapter of Jack and his unauthorized shenanigans ;-P. Enjoy my pretties!  
_

_XOXO  
_

_FaerieQueen3_

* * *

_16) Jack is not allowed to use Rose as a doll.  
_

_xxx  
_

Her face was stiff; that was the first thing that Rose noticed when she woke up. Stiff as though she had slept in make-up. Not ordinary make-up either, the kind that was plastered on for exotic dancers in pitch-black nightclubs, the kind of make-up that would put mardi-gras performers to shame. The next thing she noticed, was that her hair - which usually hung freely around her face while she slept - was swept up and she felt the familiar pinch of pins poking against her head. The third - and most shocking - thing she noticed on this already strange morning, was that rather than her usual pink, bunny pajamas, she was wearing a cocktail dress.

A very short, _very _sparkly cocktail dress.

She shot out of bed like a bullet from a barrel and sprinted towards her full-length mirror. And nearly fainted.

It was worse than she had imagined and, from the moment she woke not two minutes ago, she had imagined quite a lot. Her whole body was covered - no, _plastered -_ in foundation and bronze dust until she couldn't see her real skin. Her lips were blood-red, and her eyelashes had so much mascara, eye-liner, and shadow surrounding them, that even her generous everyday applications looked incredibly modest. To top it all off, she had on so much body glitter that Tinkerbell would have laughed at her. I say laughed, but she probably would have died from chemical inhalation at the amount of hairspray that was in Rose's hair, making it more a statue than a style.

The dress, on the other hand,was hardly a "dress" at all - hardly a shirt for that matter. The scrap of cloth was covered in sequence, strapless, cut - oh Lord, that didn't even cover her bum - and showed an illegal amount of cleavage. Literally if they were on Chaxon - or a multitude of other stringently conservative planets. Although you didn't need to be conservative to be scandalized by Rose's current...Outfit? Oh dear, what to call it.

Rose didn't even need to think about who the culprit was.

"CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS! I AM NOT A BARBIE!" Then a thought struck her, "You _stripped _me!"

Let it suffice to say, Jack made it out of that one with only a small concussion. He didn't even get it from Rose, but from falling over himself running away from her. Oh, irony.

* * *

_17) Jack is not allowed to wear the cloth's of the Doctor's previous regenerations. _

_xxx  
_

"Jack,"

"That's me!"

"...Jack."

"Yea, that's my name, want me to sign it?"

The Doctor nearly growled at him. "Jack, what are you-"

"I do shirts, chests, arms, not butts! Well, not since that incident on Raspan anyway, who knew it counted as a marriage proposal? Although, you do have an exceptional butt, so I think I can break that rule this-"

"Jack, I'm sure you've signed _quite a few _bums, but why are wearing my things?"

Jack looked down at the aforementioned garb, featuring: a multipurpose scarf, since it was very ugly chique _and _great for tripping people (he'd tried on Rose and she'd laughed when she was finished being angry); a techni-colored coat which had nearly blinded him, but was donned nonetheless; a pair of pin-striped trousers, a fez atop his head and to complete the ensemble, a cricket bat which he was now casually resting against.

He looked a clown. No, that's rather offensive to clowns, how about a maniac?

_'Maniac, psychopath, freak of nature,'_ the Doctor thought as Jack did a spin to show off his outfit, _'None of them quite give this atrocity justice'. _

"Love the fez Doc, and the pants, they'd show off you un-signed bum quite nicely. You gotta' promise me to wear them some day." The Doctor looked at the two offending articles and scoffed, _'Over my dead body.'_

* * *

_18) Jack is not allowed to use the Doctor as a doll._

_xxx_

Something was very, _very _wrong, that much was evident by the Doctor's inability to move his legs. He sat up in bed, sending up a cloud of glitter. _Glitter. On his body. _He nearly threw up at the very thought. Once the cloud had cleared, he looked down to see that his usual pyjamas - well, as usual as can be considering he only slept twice or thrice a month - had been replaced with painted-on leather tights, high-heeled boots, and...Rassilon, he wouldn't be caught dead in a shirt this sheer, or this pink. No, really, he didn't clothing was even made this pink until now.

He considered Rose for a moment, this seemed like the silly, girlish sort of prank she might pull. Then he realized he didn't have any underwear although he had gone sleep wiht them...Silly and girlish was Rose, but silly and girlish and evil and perverted had Jack written all over it. That, and the fact that Rose was nowhere near as good as Jack in applying make-up, and upon inspection, his was rather expertly done. That little fact somehow made it worse.

"CAPTAIN JA-"

"Enjoying your makeover Doc?"

The Doctor whipped around to see Jack leering at him and leaning against the doorway. "Captain, you said you were a runner in your teenage years, am I right?"

Jack quirked his brow, but answered, "Yea, I was damn good too. Ladies love a man with legs. So do gentlemen."

"Then I hope you're still in shape," was all the warning Jack received before the Doctor dashed after him in what turned out to be an hour-long chase through the TARDIS. Eventually, Jack relented.

Well, relent is the wrong word, fell and broke his ankle is a much better summary.

* * *

_19) Jack is not allowed to fool around with local women. It never ends well. _

_xxx_

"Rose, have you seen-WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!"

The Doctor had let his companions have free reign of the Town Square of the planet Tsutsa, which was acceptable only because the inhabitants were extrememly docile, and the only businesses in the vicinity were clothing shops and restuarants and all were well-respected establishments. Therefore, when he lost sight of them, he didn't think much of it and went about his business in seeing an old friend of his who had retired there, a scientist by the name of Rackman Rashta who had aided him in repairing his TARDIS as best she could be in the aftermath of the Time War.

Only now, hours later, did he think to look for his companions, and found Rose at a coffee shop - or the planetary equivalent. He smiled at the sight of her, face free of make-up and contentedly sipping her drink, before he realized that something, or, rather, someone was missing. So naturally, he asked Rose where the infamous Captain had gotten himself to. Or at least he planned to do so, but that's when Jack ran naked across town square with an enraged middle-aged man, red in the face running after him and a girl who looked to be his daughter imploring him to calm down.

The Doctor sighed, _'Oh Jack...' _He was almost tempted to leave him to deal wiht it himself, but then he'd later feel guilty and have to come back anyway, so it was better just to skip that step and save him now.

After a few minutes of lowering the man's indiscernable shouting to a semi-tolerable tone, they convinced him that Jack couldn't marry his daughter because he was already married to Rose. Then they were told that the penalty for adultery for the both the offendor and accomplices was death by being boiled alive in oil.

So the did the only sensible thing and high-tailed it to the TARDIS.

* * *

_20) Jack is not allowed to redoracate the TARDIS._

_xxx_

He was going to kill him, morals and rules about murdering innocents be damned. Besides, Jack could by no stretch of the imagination be classified as _innocent. _In fact, he'd probably be doing the universe a favor, and wasn't that what his "job" was all about? Honestly, anyone who thought that peace signs and flowers in those grotesquely blinding colors looked good on _anything_ obviously needed to go.

The Doctor had woken up to find his room, and every other room in TARDIS, painted bright pink with so many other colors splotched on top that he was nearly sent into a color coma. He'd already had one of those and he didn't want a repeat, thank you very much. But it wasn't just the paint job, that would be far too easy. Oh no, there was rhine-stones and sequence on _everything._ Even the toaster had been bedazzled. Not to mention the various paintings of lewd, promiscuous scenes that decorated every other wall, '_What in the Universe is wrong with _that_ mural, is that an...Oh Lord, my mind...'_

Having his ship and his most pesky companion of his lifetime - or any lifetime for that matter - "gang up" on him so to speak for April Fool's Day was not the Doctor's idea of fun. At all. On any level. He was _this _close to just forbidding the two from communicating, but he doubted that that would go over well. It would probably end with him painted blue with a white beard and Jack calling him Papa Smurf. He still hadn't forgiven Jack for that schtick.

He sighed and ran a hand down his face. He supposed he could deal the obnoxious decore for a day, if he really had to. The fact that the paint made Rose laugh and the murals brought forth a blush had nothing to do with it.

* * *

_Forgive me my trespass of late publishing with this chapter and review, favorite, follow, all that jazz ;-)._

_XOXO_

_FairieQueen3_


	5. Chapter 5

_...Please don't hurt me for taking so long, I really do love you guys. So, le muse is being uncooperative and bipolar, but I think I've wrangled her into submission and she should behave for the next few chapters... I think... With any luck... Anyhow, on with the unauthorized shenanigans!_

_xoxo_

_FairieQueen3_

* * *

_21) Jack is never again allowed to touch the TARDIS controls._

_and_

_22) Jack is not allowed to use the TARDIS as a stereo. _

_and _

_23) Jack is not allowed to put a disco ball in the TARDIS._

_xxx_

The Doctor smelled smoke. That alone was very, very bad. He was in the wardrobe, trying to get the old girl to give him back his jacket - she was trying to convince him to wear something "decent". What he wore was perfectly fine, thank you, and she hadn't complained about the multicolored monstrosity of his sixth body - when the grayish fumes first wafted through the open door. It wasn't the smell of charred bread and meat like Jack's failed attempt at cooking - he should know, the smell had taken days to filter out of the TARDIS - but it smelled almost... Electrical.

_'No...no, no, no, no!'_

In a flash, he was in the hall and sprinting towards the control room. What he found there made him want to break every bone in Jack's body. Or just kill him, whichever turned out to be more productive. He wasn't picky, really.

"JACK!"

The captain whipped around, fire extinguisher in hand and turned white at the look on the Doctor's face. He had the good sense to slowly back away and hold the extinguisher out in front of him as a shield. Not that any shield would have done him much good at the moment.

"Eh-heh, hiya Doc... Didn't expect you to be here so quickly..."

The Doctor took a deep breath - whoever said that deep breaths are _calming_ of all things is a liar, by the way - and asked, "What have you done to my ship?"

The entire console was tilted to one side and over half of it was black with smoke and dented beyond recognition. Although it looked as though everything could be fixed, eventually, it would take a very, _very _long time. The Doctor hated wasting time. Especially because of know-it-all, pretty boy companions.

Jack looked at the console as though noticing the damage for the first time. "Oh! About that... I-uh..." The Doctor tapped his foot impatiently. Jack gulped at continued, "I may or may not have, uh... Well it wasn't my fault-"

"Jack."

"I was trying to hotwire the ship, okay?"

The Doctor saw red, Jack saw his life flash before his eyes.

_"Why?"_

Another gulp and a wary look at the hallway as an escape route. "Really, this is partially your fault-"

"Oh?"

The Doctor started moving forward, forcing Jack to move backwards until his back bumped into the wall. "Yeah," Jack said, still desperate to save himself, "A little. If you had some decent music playing every now and then, I wouldn't have to resort to drastic measures."

_'He was trying to use my ship...As a music player?'_

The Doctor opened his mouth to give Jack the tongue-lashing of the century, when he noticed a reflection on the wall and looked up at the source. A disco ball. A very large, colorful, disco ball. He rubbed his temples and groaned. He was too _old _for this damn it!

* * *

_24) Jack is not allowed to use a stapler. Modern or otherwise._

_xxx_

Jack gently opened the door, and, after making sure the coast was clear, stepped lithely into the room and gently shut the door behind him. Looking around the dark office, the only source of light being the bit of moonlight filtering through the shutters, he spotted a lamp and deftly flipped the switch. The light illuminated the desk and a filing cabinet to the left. Jack took out a small device the Doctor had lent him - very like a sonic screwdriver but with only two settings; "lock", and "unlock" - and opened the first drawer. Immediately, he was greeted with the sight of a glowing green substance. He need only smell it to know that he had found what he had come for. He smiled to himself, _'Bingo'. _

Upon arriving in Chicage in 1908, the Tardis crew had been in the city for barely an hour before discovering an alien plot. A group of hostile, humanoid aliens from Xyrtha had set up a seemingly normal newspaper, but had been lacing their pages with nanochips that would go through the skin of the hand, travel to the readers' brain, and make him or her believe everything the paper said. They could tell them that all brunettes were evil, and to be killed on sight, and the reader would trust them and murder the next dark-haired person they came across without remorse. In fact, that's what had been happening. Not because of any biased against brunettes on the Xyrthans' part, but as an experiment to see how far the mind-control stretched. It had worked perfectly.

That was why, now, Jack had been singled out- as payback for his most recent sin of nearly destroying the TARDIS console in an attempt to bring music into the ship - to go to the newspaper building after hours, find the nanochips, and bring them back to the TARDIS. Without touching them of course, that would defeat the purpose. He had been given specialized gloves that were strong enough that the chips wouldn't be able to get through.

_"They'll look like goo," _the Doctor had said. "_Easier to get them into the ink that way. Careful of the smell, it'll be like rotten eggs_ _if I'm right about the origin."_ Any normal perosn would have, knowing their friend would encounter a distinctly unpleasant smell, given said friend a mask of some kind, but nope. Wouldn't be payback if he had now would it?

Jack took out the small pieces of paper he had brought with him as a check list, and started to flip through them:

_1) Disable alarm - Done_

_2) Get inside - Done_

_3) Locate the main office - Done _(it did have "Main Office" in bold letters on the front. Honestly.)

_4) Find the chips - Done_

Jack smiled to himself. Now all he needed to do was carry the drawer of extremely dangerous technology back the the TARDIS without letting a single drop touch him while still not attracting attention to himself or running into any of the aliens who ran the place - and apparently slept in the basement. Piece of cake.

Of course, it would be easier if he had gotten a bigger piece of paper, or an actual notebook for his checklist rather than the post-it's he had with him. They continuously almost fell out of his shallow pockets, or slipped out of his hands when he took them out. So, naturally, when he saw a stapler on the desk, he decided to put it to use.

As it turns out however, staplers in the 1800's were just a little bit stiffer. So he pushed harder. So hard, that his fingers slipped, and the checklist was neatly and orderly stapled to his thumb. Still, he managed to carry-shove, almost slosh all over himself, whatever-the container, or containers as it turned out, of nanochips back to the TARDIS with minimum near-death experiences-except for when a group of the aliens was woken by the noise and chased after him with lasers, but was that really his fault? The debatable success of he mission didn't stop the Doctor from taking a certain amount of pleasure in removing the staple. No matter what he said, Jack was damn sure there was less painful methods than an actual staple remover.

* * *

_25) Jack is not allowed to replace Rose's clothes with lingerie. _

_xxx_

Rose knew exactly who had done this. And she was very sure that she was going to make sure he suffered for it, _slowly. _

Being woken up to one's alarm being changed from 8:00am to 4:00am-_'Oh Jack, you do not love your life,'-_would be unpleasant enough, but this was the icing on the cake. After tossing and turning for an hour after her alarm had rung, she had gotten out of bed to grudgingly get on with the day. Only, instead of finding her normal clothes when she opened her top drawer, she was met with leather. Quite a bit of leather. Not to mention the feathers, the sequins, the-_'Oh dear God, what IS that? How would you even...'_ Ohdearohdearohdearohdearohdear.

Rose fanned her blushing face and pulled out the offending article, turning it inside and upside down. It took her a whole minute to figure out what it was for, and then she only blushed harder.

"_Jack Harkness!"_

* * *

_Comment what you would like to see in the next chapters, we're only half-way there, after all ;-)._

_xoxo_

_FairieQueen3_


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